Welcome to the world of Anorexia Nervosa, on display and bitingly in your face. This spoken word narrative, provided in a simple yet potent textual fan-made video, reveals life from the anorexic’s (skewed) viewpoint. There will be rules that only the most disciplined (ill) are capable of following. Rules like cutting each admittedly tiny meal into tinier minuscule bites, spreading those bites around your small plate to make your meal appear larger, then slowly savoring each mini-morsel for up to a minute before secretly spitting it out and into your napkin. Occasionally-allowed-swallows must be chewed a minimum of fifty times before consumption. Plates must be loaded with generous amounts of fibrous vegetables to keep the body full, thin, and having regular bowel movements, otherwise, supplementation of laxatives will be required. Oh, and tons of water, before, during, and after meals to feel sated, then diuretics later to shed those extra unnecessary pounds of fluid before weighing oneself. And should you slip up and binge-eat, you must immediately purge (vomit) to keep your body from absorbing any of those excess calories (nutrients), an indirectly effective penance better known as bulimia.
Karen Carpenter, of the popular 70s soft-pop group The Carpenters, famously suffered from Anorexia. At an emaciated 5′ 5″ and 83 lbs, she admitted to her therapist she was taking 80 – 90 laxatives per night to lose weight (she considered herself chubby). She would later die a mere 32 years of age from heart failure brought on by years of Ipecac syrup-induced vomiting. [grunge]
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Anorexia tends to affect women more often than men and is usually considered a form of body dysmorphia where one’s mind no longer accurately reports a true body image, instead overemphasizing body fat. Others simply relish the sense of control it brings to their lives. Regardless, the list of rules you will need to heed can number over fifty, and make no mistake, they can be deadly effective. In fact, it can take years of therapy to recover from, if you recover, since there are deliberate in-built circular traps like, if someone says you are too thin, they are either lying, jealous, or both, and if you allow yourself to cave and gain weight, it is because you are a failure and unworthy, using society’s lies as a crutch against your own private and pathetic weakness.
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The Golden Palominos were musician Anton Fier (died 2022) accompanied by bassist Bill Laswell, and guitarists Nicky Skopelitis and Knox Chandler. The track “Holy” was released on their 1996 album Dead Inside, a collection of intensely dark insights into the human condition. For this particular artistic endeavor, Anton enlisted Nicole Blackman, an acclaimed cutting-edge New York, spoken word poet, blending their combined talents to amazing results. It is an album so bracingly cold that those of us enamored of it always introduce it to the uninitiated as a purely love/hate affair. Personally, I believe the opening track, “Victim”, being such a graphic depiction of a woman’s horrific kidnapping and subsequent murder, quickly scares away many possible suitors to an otherwise engagingly cerebral romp, though still not light fare.
I find that a lot of people are playing it for friends or putting tracks from it on mixtapes—it’s kind of being introduced hand-to-hand. I think friends introduce it to other people that they think will really understand it. I get a lot of email from Nick Cave fans, Diamanda Galas fans, and a lot of industrial fans. So, I think that folks are hearing about it from other reliable sources and when they’re introduced to it that way they kind of know what they’re getting into. They understand what it is they’re getting. I mean, come on, the record cover is totally black. It’s not a party record. [laughs]
~ Nicole Blackman – Interview with Innerviews.org
Blackman has an exquisite penchant for exposing the vantablack underbelly of society and its human failings, with an uncanny ability to deliver her words richly, cooly sexy, and perfectly unbalanced, intoning her poems with a gifted presence and affecting intimacy. [cut, bite, chew, long-savor, swallow, cut, cut, cut, bite…] She is blessedly sharp, almost too sharp in her expositions, and this is exactly what makes her poetry so unmistakable, unshakeable, and oh, so beautiful. She is a fallen angel arisen and handily exposing our shared demons to the deadly bright light of day.
If you enjoy her art as much as I do, I highly recommend you check out the re-release of her brilliant book of poetry “Blood Sugar” coming this June 2023.
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The Golden Palominos’
APPLE | SPOTIFY | LYRICS
Cover Art “ana” © 2023 – disturbedByVoices – All Rights Reserved
That is a hell of a poem, Rann. And the delivery is flawless. I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate you bringing it to my attention. I will look on YouTube for more tracks from the Dead Inside album, with particular interest in “Victim”. I preordered Blood Sugar on Amazon, opting for the book over the Kindle edition; I prefer reading poetry from a real book. You mentioned Nick Cave—yep, I’m a fan. 😊 One of my favorite videos of his is “Where the Wild Roses Grow” with Kylie Minogue. I like murder ballads…surprise, surprise. 😁🖤
The whole album is here on YouTube: https://tinyurl.com/3v74hrys I echo your love of “Where the Wild Roses Grow” with Kylie. I just listened to it again now and will likely share it on my blog at some point in the future, thanks for the reminder! 🖤
Thank you for the link, Rann. I’ll give it a listen. 🖤
I love Cave’s “Murder Ballads” too. He’s a great storyteller.
That piece was so realistic and disturbing. I wrote a poem decades ago called “thin” which was a similar mind frame, of never feeling good enough (when I come across it again, I’ll share it with you). I’m guilty, in my younger years of abusing laxatives, over-exercising, and starving myself in order to be thin. It was a private hell no one really knew about. When people told me I was way too thin, I secretly took it as a compliment. I was so wrong.
I broke out of that hell in later years, learning about eating right, and accepting my body if I went over a scale number. It’s not letting yourself go by any means, but being “okay” with having a slower metabolism as we age. Or not putting oneself through hell because you’re not “perfect.”
Yet, even in acceptance, there will still be people (in my experiences women) who body shame. I have large boobs and it’s viewed as “fat” by some women, which is really sad. We know it’s their issue, not ours, yet the catty comments dance in our head and haunt us, to the point of avoidance of people who have said these things to us.
I’ve shared in a public forum that women are their own worst enemies for putting each other down, that though there are exceptions to the rule, that men don’t do these things. I was nailed to the cross for calling women out on this bullshit. (But like your post says, they do it out of jealousy). My words were twisted to their benefit. I was “wrong” and an “unlikeable” person because I’m not into those games. I was even called a “misogynist” though I’m female.
The reality stung. I felt shamed, but three days later, I know I am right. There is nothing wrong with NOT wanting to sit around in a group and bitch about looks and weight. If this is the “norm” I don’t want to be that norm.
It’s scary. It’s unhealthy. And that mindset can prematurely age you.
If only, one woman at a time, we can lift each other up. Embrace each others looks, because we all are beautiful. I try to compliment at least one woman per day, whether it’s in real life or on the internet. For her looks, her talent, her personality, her accomplishments … I hope others would catch on and do the same. And many do. We may be in the minority, but it’s a great step in the right direction. 🙂
If you find that poem, please do share it. This was one of the more difficult posts I’ve shared here, being deeply personal. I didn’t have to do any research on it. In my teens, I dated a girl who taught me all about Anorexia. In regards to women being catty, this is without question. The struggles of women to befriend each other without secretly harboring jealousies and otherwise being openly disdainful of each other. It’s sad, and I appreciate the kindness you espouse to your fellow sex. This is why I bought your book, as your words encourage us to be ourselves, embrace our inner weirdness, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, all of which are tenets of my own personal wisdom. Thank you for your openness on such a difficult topic. 💀🖤
I don’t read much poetry but that’s one attention-grabbing book cover. I would definitely at least pick the book up if I happened across it, which is really the main job of the book cover. I was too young to be aware of what was going on with Karen Carpenter when it happened but I’ve since read about it, including in college, where as part of my psych classes they talked about just how extremely dangerous eating disorders are to those who suffer from them.
Perhaps, weirdly, the really tough track on the album is titled “Victim”, but “Holy” is also about victims. I doubt anyone would choose Anorexia without being bullied or otherwise victimized, in some way, leading them to select this difficult disease as their most reasonable solution. I really appreciate your blog, you have some of the funniest posts I’ve ever read and you’ve made me laugh quite a lot. I thank you for that, and for your shared insights here. 💀😊
Wow, so powerful. My sister was bulimic for many years, in addition to being bipolar, an alcoholic and overly compulsive (for years, she’s had between 10-15 cats at any one time).
Fixed, lol, thank you. I have a close relative with all of that except bulimia. I love her dearly, but she can be very difficult to interface with. Also, she has no cats, lol. The album is beautiful but hauntingly so, and with a layer of abstraction.